♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.