Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
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*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
figuring out my emotional availability:
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture