When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me sliding into hell like
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.