My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐