I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Uh oh…
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.