Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”