Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
You Might Also Like
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.