Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.