Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
felt that
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?