My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Chicago sounds lovely.
“We will wed,” I threatened
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Worth remembering.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody