CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
This made me smile…
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done