How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Goat cheese is for herders.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
bears
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer