Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato