Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I have two kinds of followers
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…