very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Meow
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.