[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.