I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.