I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My blood type is coffee.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older