Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*has no idea what a book even is*
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!