Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
those birds must be on payroll
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.