Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
😂😂😂
the #horror is real!
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”