HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
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Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.