Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
You Might Also Like
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.