As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
How can I say no to this ?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued