Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.