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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.