West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
This is the best one I’ve seen
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.