Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.