doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.