date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Wait a second…
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos