A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”