Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.