Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Software Development ⛵️
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ