In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?