Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Ain’t no way
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
#gardening
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
🛁
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.