I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then