If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
You Might Also Like
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?