i- i did not expect this
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
there’s probably a fee though
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does