Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.