We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Worst Native American name ever.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-