Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Lmao the reply
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
the icebreaker
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.