From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
You Might Also Like
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO