ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.