Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”