Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
how it started vs how it ended
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Two types of dogs.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”