Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.