Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Easy enough.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
What’s so funny?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?