My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
She: I like Cats
He:
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
A new level of troll.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man