Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
my fav colour is also hitler
me and my fake scenarios
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.