I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom